One miscarriage knocks you off your feet. It makes you realize the true, precarious nature of pregnancy and the lives of our children.
A second miscarriage, particularly in a row in a short period of time, pulls the proverbial rug from under your feet. It makes you question everything you think you had planned out and spins you around until you don’t which way is up anymore.
I don’t know what we’re going do and where we’re going to go after this is over. The only thing I know for certain is that God is telling me “No”. Perhaps not no in a not ever type of way, but definitely in a not now kind of way. I’m exhausted, I hurt in so many ways and the idea of trying again and being letting down three times in under a year or meeting more months of infertility makes me want curl up in the fetal position and cry. I just can’t move in that direction right now. I can’t even rest my feet on that path.
That doesn’t help all that much, to look at in the short term, to be honest. I feel like there are a lot of things over the last year I’ve been told “No” to – graduate school, my career, being a stay at home, having more children and each one is harder to hear than the last. I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong and where I could have gone right? I can’t even describe the feeling of having something so simple as wanting more children not only denied you, but taken away from you. At this point it’s not a feeling, it’s a lack of everything.
Jealousy is one of my biggest faults. I compare myself and all my short comings to everyone else to the point that is hard to be happy when I should be happy and I almost, just barely, keep myself from being happy when things go wrong for others. It’s awful and makes me feel like less of a human being.
The reality is that God says No more often than he says Yes. That’s the truth of the matter and that’s the morsel that is hardest to accept. You know what to do with a Yes; you say thank you, you share your joy, you pass it forward. You never know what to do with a No.
I don’t have any answers right now. I don’t know what to do with these No’s when all I want is just one, just one little itty bitty Yes. I don’t what to do with a No, but I know one day I will.