The reminders are everywhere – announcements, countdowns, updates. My countdowns are meaningless to most people.
1 month of since my second empty ultrasound.
4 months from my first D&E.
4 days until my next.
Should be 33 weeks along.
Should be 10.
January, with it’s single unfulfilled anniversary will be hard. June will be worse
I have added a lot of new dates to my mental calendar, none of them are very happy to think about. There’s almost a little bit of comfort in knowing that unpleasant anniversary are not bad. It is not wrong to have unpleasant anniversaries marked in the eternal calendar of your heart.
It’s a sign of a life well lived.
It’s a sign of risks taken.
It’s like the skinned knees you received while learning to ride your bike. When you’re learning you can never be certain of when you’ll loose your balance.
These dates are my skinned knees.
About 6 hours after publishing this post I was woken by sensations I knew all too well. I happy to say that with the help of a few painkillers this miscarriage occurred naturally and gently in the privacy of my own home between 3 and 6 a.m. Sunday morning; just over a month since we found out the truth of this pregnancy. We did have to go to the ER to check on my blood counts (low, but normal) and receive some fluids, but were back home in a few hours. I’ll be getting things checked out over the next few days to see if my D&E is still necessary, but I have a feeling that it is not.
Even though it is what it is, I’m strangely happy about it all. It gave me time and the connection I just couldn’t let myself form with this pregnancy. It was incredibly gentle, in fact I read a book through a good portion of it and I’m glad – after a C-section and a D&E – that I was finally able to do this on my own.
Thank you for your prayers and support.