Still Here

Thank you for all the prayers, all the emails and FB messages checking up on us this weekend.  We’re doing about as good as can be expected.  The actual procedure went fine, and I’ve bounced back as well as I usually do.

Now we wait for lab tests which could take over a month.  This time, unlike the previous two, there was something to test that will actually tell us about this little one and what might have happened.

Then there will be more tests that will hopefully tell us what’s going on in our own bodies.  I’m not expecting to have this all figured out before the end of the year.

Where do we go from here?  I think that’s the big question and I wish I had answer.  I’ve been pregnant three times in about 16 months, I’ve been through three first trimesters;  I’m tired and depleted and I need a break.  I need to give the family I have on earth the mother and wife they deserve for a little while if I can.

I’ve had many people comment on what appears to be strength when written down and shared through social media and I just laugh because it doesn’t feel like strength.  I’m scared and sad and angry and lost.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.

At the moment motherhood just feels like a big joke someone has played on me.  Something I’ve bought into hook, line and sinker.  Something I’ve been happy to throw my all into – happy to sacrifice so much so that I can be a good mother.  And now it feels like a waste; not only is it getting more and more likely I’ll never use these skills and lessons I’ve learned again, but I won’t even get to pass it on.  No one comes to the one time mother looking for sage advice or support.

No one wants to relate to the working, daycare using, public schooling, c-section having, formula using mother of one.  Who the hell wants to be a mother like me?  I don’t even want to be a mother like me.

I feel absolutely useless and I feel like this has all just been a big game of make believe that I’ve taken much too seriously,  Silly me.

18 thoughts on “Still Here

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  1. You are a mother. You have worth and value far beyond our human understanding. You have carried life lovingly four times. These sorrows that pierce your heart do not diminish your motherhood.


  2. OH Molly.
    I'm so sorry.

    Even if you don't feel like it, you are the mother and wife your family needs and God is walking with you every step of this messy journey.

    Praying for you and your family,


  3. Your family needs the exact mother you are – whether you have one child or 12.

    I know how you feel though. I only have two kids (ages 10 and 11) but I had a miscarriage 8 years ago and Iost my 5 day old baby in April. I was so excited (after I got over the complete shock and worry) to be pregnant with her because I felt like there was a huge hole in our family and it was about to be filled. But alas, that was not God's plan. I have no answers for you except that when I feel the way you described (and I feel that way a lot), I know it's Satan trying to doubt my faith and God. Prayer and lots of it is the only answer for me.

    Well, prayer and a break from social media…because I read a lot of Catholic bloggers and it seems everyone but me has a huge family. Comparison is the theif to joy.

    I'll be praying for you!


  4. Molly, you are a conscious, God-loving, selfless, sacrificial example of a mother that H loves for everything you've done as you did – c-section, working, formula– all of it. You may not see it now, and even if you don't get to pass it on again through your own womb, perhaps H's future wife will. Perhaps a godchild will. I already know I, the wonderful blogging community, and even the google searching wanderer already have. My grandmother lost many, many, many babies before my father was the first ever successful cerclage baby for the doctor that delivered him. When my mother lost her twins, my grandmother was there to support her. I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are in my prayers.


  5. Molly, these things (working, formula, etc) are not measures of the quality of your mothering. Your love for your little guy on earth and all of your children in heaven is the measure of your mothering, and it is enough. Any voice that tells you otherwise is not from God. You are the perfect mother for the family you have- that's why God put you there and gave you to each other. You're Molly- the costume-making, book-loving, Doctor Who-quoting, yarn-crafting, show tunes-singing gift to all of us. And I am grateful for you.

    Praying hard for you and your family, sweet friend.


  6. Main job as a mom: Get all the souls God's given to you to Heaven. Simple as that 🙂 Doesn't matter how good you cook or clean. Doesn't matter if you feed them organic or breastfeed. Just keep things simple right now and keep that goal in mind.


  7. Yes! As a working, daycare using, public school sending mother of a small family I have to tell myself this every day! Most important thing is to instill in my girls a deep and abiding love of Christ!


  8. All I would add to the love and wisdom here is that I think it is an amazing gift that bloggers give to their children, to write about their journeys through parenthood so honestly and openly and lovingly. I would give anything to know about what my mom thought and felt and struggled with in her early years/decades of parenting, and you may be giving your son – and his future wife? who knows? – an amazing gift with the way you are willing to voice your honesty, love, grief, sorrow, and even anger here. You will continue to be in my prayers.


  9. Please, please don't say that you don't “want to be a mother like me” because you have one child, gave formula, use daycare, etc. I've done all those things, too. We both love and parent well, I know it. I can see it in your writing.

    You'll be in my prayers as you try to figure this out.


  10. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings at all, but in my mind at least, you are not a mother of one, but a mother of four. Three souls in Heaven, loving you, praying for you, holding you so dearly. Prayers for you!


  11. “No one wants to relate to the working, daycare using, public schooling, c-section having, formula using mother of one. Who the hell wants to be a mother like me? I don't even want to be a mother like me.”

    That's so not even true. I look up to and admire you greatly and consider you a twin soul and a kindred spirit, and would take trusted advice from you before armies of lactivist, homeschooling, natural birthing mothers of six.


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