Thank you for all the prayers, all the emails and FB messages checking up on us this weekend. We’re doing about as good as can be expected. The actual procedure went fine, and I’ve bounced back as well as I usually do.
Now we wait for lab tests which could take over a month. This time, unlike the previous two, there was something to test that will actually tell us about this little one and what might have happened.
Then there will be more tests that will hopefully tell us what’s going on in our own bodies. I’m not expecting to have this all figured out before the end of the year.
Where do we go from here? I think that’s the big question and I wish I had answer. I’ve been pregnant three times in about 16 months, I’ve been through three first trimesters; I’m tired and depleted and I need a break. I need to give the family I have on earth the mother and wife they deserve for a little while if I can.
I’ve had many people comment on what appears to be strength when written down and shared through social media and I just laugh because it doesn’t feel like strength. I’m scared and sad and angry and lost. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.
At the moment motherhood just feels like a big joke someone has played on me. Something I’ve bought into hook, line and sinker. Something I’ve been happy to throw my all into – happy to sacrifice so much so that I can be a good mother. And now it feels like a waste; not only is it getting more and more likely I’ll never use these skills and lessons I’ve learned again, but I won’t even get to pass it on. No one comes to the one time mother looking for sage advice or support.
No one wants to relate to the working, daycare using, public schooling, c-section having, formula using mother of one. Who the hell wants to be a mother like me? I don’t even want to be a mother like me.
I feel absolutely useless and I feel like this has all just been a big game of make believe that I’ve taken much too seriously, Silly me.