Last week I cleaned out my sons clothes.
Not just the regular seasonal clean-out, but THE clean out. All those things I was saving to be that intelligent, frugal mama are gone. I went from 5 totes and two piles of our recent out-growns to two and half totes of things I just couldn’t see go yet. This included one tote, the newborn to six month clothes, that I couldn’t even face opening.
Instead of thoughtfully organized, cleaned and stored clothes in my closet for “the next time” I have two totes by my door for the consignment store and bags of clothes being sent off for their next round of hand me downs. They are the pants, shirts and shoes that will NEVER be worn by another Walter baby. It is not easy to write that, not at all.
It had to be done. Things don’t last in storage for 5+ years; elastic wears out and benevolent stains eventually do their damage. Those clothes weren’t doing anyone any good in those boxes and now they will. They’re going to families who need them, to babies who are actually here and who will actually wear them. It was both a liberating and draining decision.
So here we are, about a month and a half away from my last D&C and where does that leave me?
In a sort of limbo. I’ve made decisions about the medical side of things – “yes” to blood clotting tests, but “no” to genetic tests. If there’s nothing I can do about it, I don’t want to know right now. I still desperately want more children, but the thought of my fourth first trimester in a year and a half physically turns my stomach in flips. I just can’t do it. Physically and emotionally I’m drained and I need a break.
I’m doing my best to enjoy the happiness I get everyday from my son and not let the ghosts of my babies detract from enjoying what I have. I’m throwing myself into other activities with abandon, but realizing that I’m probably just distracting myself all the anniversaries I still have to live through before next spring.
I need to get back to where I was last spring before I can try again. There are practical aspects – finances, sick leave, etc. that have been sapped from so many doctors visits, sudden procedures and even just retail therapy and there are the deeper aspects and I have a feeling those will take longer. You can never be prepared for something like this happen, but I can prepare myself for our future. I can use this experience and understand how much more I’m willing to give to this.
I feel like Cathy in the beginning of “The Last Five Years” in her first song, unable to see how she got there and what she did to deserve her heart break. ” …and where can I turn? Covered with scars I did nothing to earn Maybe there’s somewhere a lesson to learn…” I’m coming up on five years of trying to be a mother – that page will turn right around the last babies due date in March and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve all of this. But as Cathy says “…but that wouldn’t change the fact, that wouldn’t speed time. Once the foundations cracked and I’m…. still hurting.“