I thought today was going to be easy. Another due date come with no baby to usher it in. After all I’ve done this twice before, right? No, it’s just as hard as the first time; just as sad and painful.
Just like the last two times I’m surrounded by expectant mothers, new babies and announcements. Even my next door neighbor got to come home with a perfect baby boy this weekend while I’m left awkwardly side stepping the issue when my four year old keeps announcing at random, “I don’t have a sister!” and “I don’t have a brother” all across town. It feels like it it’s getting harder.
A rational part of my brain tells me it shouldn’t be. The rational part of my brain tells me I’m over reacting and really shouldn’t be so attached to something that was around for such a small amount of time, that I never really saw, touched or heard. That grieving should be reserved for those with physical interaction or some such.
My mind has been telling me many things today. That I’m over reacting, that I’m worthless, that I’m stupid and foolish, that I’m over emotional and irrational. That I was an idiot to give up everything I did to be parent. That my worth in my circle of friends is dependent on my experience as a parent, and without experience I have nothing to contribute and no place among them. That I if I had made different choices, tried sooner, sacrificed something else or just been better that things would be different. That my beliefs, my faith and ideals are all a pile of meaningless, stupid fantasies. That not only am not good at anything tangible – no career or defining skill – but that my own body fails at doing that one thing it’s made to do. That I’m no just no good. That I’ve been forgotten and ignored, over looked while others receive prayers answered and miracle attained.
I can’t even sit here and wrap this up a shiny bow, with a lovely, inspiring defense of myself. Today is the day that I can do nothing but believe everything my mind tells me, to see every choice and failure in stark contrast to those around me. This is the day I’m laid bare with nothing to offer.
This is what today is.