Defeated, Rinse, Repeat

We just got back from a quickly little vacation up north, and while I was expecting to get back tired I wasn’t expecting to get back this defeated.  I didn’t expect to be fought by a suddenly stubborn four-year-old every step of this trip, for the whining, for the tantrums, for the complete lack of grace on my side.  I wasn’t expecting the reminders that the older generations don’t assume the best (or the worst) about small families.  I wasn’t expecting the old feels of inadequacy that comes from being an only child trying to parent with no background knowledge to resurface.  I wasn’t expecting the feelings that it’s my inadequacy as a parent that’s the real reason we haven’t had anymore.  I wasn’t expecting the first thing to see when reconnecting online was a reminder that *everyone* else is pregnant right now and announcing their April/May babies and mine is already dead.

I feel completely defeated by this weekend.  On the outside; if I just scrape off the frosting and don’t look at the cake underneath it was fine.  We had some enjoyable times and good moments, but I go to bed tonight just undone by it all.

Defeat,  Rinse.  Repeat.

15 thoughts on “Defeated, Rinse, Repeat

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  1. Molly I am praying, praying, always praying for you. Four is very hard, especially when he is out of his normal routine and schedule. I don't know what God has planned for you but I just wanted to scream this is BS enough already. I am sorry you are defeated (I have been there in my own way as a mother). Sending you a giant virtual hug and know that I am praying. Much love, Molly.

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  2. Being a parent to one is hard in a different way than being parent to many (at last I assume so). It's especially hard with a history of loss and wanting to scream this from the rooftops as to why you don't have more kids. I understand the feelings of inadequacy and wondering if maybe this is why you only have one living. I understand it all.

    Prayers for you Molly, and thanks for being so open. You are giving life right now with your words even though I know how much you wish it were with biological motherhood.

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  3. I'm so sorry Molly. All I can say is that if parenting inadequacy was an actual reason for not being blessed with children I'm afraid I wouldn't have any children at all. I'm sure you're doing a great job. .Prayers for you.

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  4. I'm with you girl. My girl is 3 with attitude to high heaven. My little one should 4 months in utero but isn't there anymore. My 3 year old is hard, I feel like a bad mom because I can't handle just one child, people think I don't want more and all my friends are having babies. Many prayers for you right now. Know that you aren't alone, even if it doesn't help you practically, you are not alone in this struggle and we are praying for you and your family and offering up our pain for other couples like you.

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  5. Molly, thank you so much for your honesty! Nobody warns you about four. Ohhhhh, man! I haven't lost any children, but we've struggled with infertility, and those pregnancy announcements are super hard. I have a friend who's on her second baby since my last (as in, she and I had babies, then she had another and now another) and she wasn't even trying. It is so hard. Prayers for you!

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  6. Molly, thank you so much for your honesty! Nobody warns you about four. Ohhhhh, man! I haven't lost any children, but we've struggled with infertility, and those pregnancy announcements are super hard. I have a friend who's on her second baby since my last (as in, she and I had babies, then she had another and now another) and she wasn't even trying. It is so hard. Prayers for you!

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  7. I'm so sorry Molly. I know that feeling of inadequacy all too well. When life gets hard with my 2 year old, and I lose it, I feel so guilty and then feel like I didn't deserve Lily anyway. If life is so hard with one toddler, I must not have been able to handle two so that's why I didn't get to keep her. My brain knows otherwise, but my heart has a hard time understanding. And sometimes I just scream “This sucks!” There is no pretty way to say it. I'm sorry it sucks for you too. I think and pray for you often.

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  8. As an older mom of 6 (one in heaven), just returning to the world of fertility after a vasectomy reversal, and not pregnant, I too have noticed all the pregnancy announcements too. I only have a few short years of fertility left and I worry I will never carry a child or hold a newborn again. I struggle with feeling like this is my punishment for encouraging the vasectomy in the first place (we were not Catholic at the time) and the fact that I am constantly failing to love my children as Christ loves us. Like, not even close. I guess this maternal guilt is just a big ole gift of the evil one who prowls about the world seeking to destroy souls and families!! I pray that all of us who struggle with our vocation of motherhood will start to preach the Truth to ourselves. God loves us regardless of our failures, He loves our children (born and unborn, on earth or in heaven) more than we have the capacity to understand, God provides their needs and fills in the gaps for our children when we fall short. God redeems all things, even our detested failures, and can work them out for our good, our children's good, and for His Glory. I pray that we will preach to ourselves these beautiful promises of God and stop listening to the devil whisper in our ears. Living content and loving the best in today, not borrowing worries from tomorrow. God's Grace and Glory and peace be on us all. Blessings!

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  9. Hello! I received my black ATM card now through DHL 4 hours ago from Miss Jane and i have used it to withdraw $1700. I'm so happy now cos there's more coming. Thanks to Jane for sending me the card. At first i thought it was a scam for Jane to steal money from people but i just received the card. email me on malikrion@aol.com for pictures of it and video of how i just used it. also send Jane an email to get your card. this Christmas is going to be the best ever! her email address is janeashey333@gmail.com

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