Easter Shots

Well, I don’t know about you but I pretty much did nothing for Lent, but yet I don’t feel like I failed at it.  I feel like I was supposed just stop trying so hard.  So we didn’t do much except for meatless meals, and a few personal goals.  I didn’t even print out that calendar for the kid to color in.  And yet, Easter came and I still feel like we “got it”.  We went to church, there was an Easter basket, we read our Tomie De Paola story about the resurrection, Henry could answer questions about why we celebrate Easter, I put up exactly one Easter decoration so far,  we spent time with family, ate some good food and that’s about it.  We haven’t even done “Easter things” yet.  Making some Easter cookies is on the schedule for Wednesday and dying Easter Eggs for possibly Thursday…. we’re taking it slow.

It felt right, even though we didn’t do all the things.  In fact, I’m glad I stepped back because I also want what our family does to be more than about Mom hustling everyone out the door – it was nice when my husband was the one to remind me that he picked up seafood for dinner on a Friday, when he took Henry to Palm Sunday service when I was just a little too exhausted from a day at work to shuffle out the door.  It was a good reminder to let others take the lead.

We also have been enjoying the benefits of having a five-year-old; his behavior recently has not been great – a lot of stopping to remind ourselves that the hard work now will be rewarded down the line, but this weekend he was on point.  No fussing over food at dinner, helping to clean up, good about bedtime, really good at Church on Sunday Morning.  Far from perfect, but definitely a nice break in the weather.

In fact, I even tackled a few of my projects this weekend (and ignored pesky things like laundry) and rocked out my bird shirt and a maternity dress along with officially finishing Henry’s blanket and working steadily on Baby Girl’s.

The maternity sewing is hard to figure out and I’m not sure if I’ll do much more.  I wear scrubs 4-5 days a week and just need a few things to see me thru to July.  Maybe one more shirt, and then I’ll leave the rest to post-partum.  In about a month I’ll be on to my rotations of 2 pairs of pants, 3 shirts and 2 dresses that fit, but I think I’ll make it.  I’d like to finish something for Henry in the mean time and maybe do one or two little girl sewing projects.

Also, forcing bulbs inside?  Stroke of genius – next year I need to remember to start them about one week earlier so they’re ready for Easter.

I’m not doing a lot of gardening this year, but I did managing to throw a few more bulbs in the ground today – hoping for a few more outdoor tulips and some Dahlia’s (a “PomPom” mix by my trellis and a “Painter’s Palette Mix” in my back bed by the Raspberries) that will hopefully bloom right after the little Miss makes her entrance this summer.  The rest of the garden beds are getting a new layer of compost and then sewn at random with annual flower seeds, so we’ll see what comes up,  I’m hoping for a “cutting garden” this year to enjoy while I’m on maternity leave.

The Thoughts

Oh this is going to be a brain dump, just warning you.

This little blog of mine has been such a comfort over the last few years – it’s been my private journal and my public therapy all in one place and truth be told, I’m not sure what to do with it right now.  I know I get a lot of my traffic from women in really hard times in their lives – women dealing with loss and infertility, women who don’t yet have “a rainbow baby” on the way – and I’ve wanted to keep this as a safe place for those visitors.  Though I’m happy to be able to share our joys with you, I know a lot of what I’ve had to share will be hitting more than a few readers right where it hurts.  I know, I’ve been there – another miscarriage survivor with a growing baby bump, another infertility survivor who has beaten the odds – it’s hard and it hurts.  I’ve wanted to keep this space safe for them, and I hope I have.

If you follow along at Instagram, I’ve used that as my space to share pictures and the like.  It’s a space I did inhabit so strongly through the previous years, and has felt like the better place to go to when I need to share something baby related.

But yet, this is still my space, and nothing is perfect and there is still “a long, grey road” (I just finished listen to The Return of the King today, sorry) yet to go.  It has been, in general, a very lovely road this time.   I’ve passed by three of my little saints due dates without sorrow for the first time – only one more to go.  I’ve been given a gift of an easy pregnancy, allowing me to experience and enjoy this in a way I’ve never been able to before.  With Henry every bump and stretch and kick was just a reminder that I felt invaded and outside of myself.  I hated just about every minute of it.  This time is different.

There’s still a long ways to go and the next big hurdle I face is labor and delivery and to be quite honest, it scares me more than I can really say.  My experience with Henry was not traumatic, but it was far from normal and as I approach this second go-round all my mind can do is gather it’s information from the past – the sheer ignorance of what to do and how to cope, the immediate escalation that comes with an induction, the mind numbing pain that comes from the type of back labor I experience, etc.  I both know what could await me and at the same time am totally ignorant of what’s to come.

I’m lucky in many regards – unless this little lady decides to stay breech – our chances are pretty good.  I’ve only made one request to my OB – no inductions.  I’m holding my ground firmly that I either want to go into labor naturally or opt for surgery.  Choosing an induction and the work of labor then followed by surgery is not something I want to volunteer for again.

I’m actually quite at peace with the idea of another c-section (particularly a voluntary one).  I’m not gung-ho about creating a blissful natural labor experience.  I just want my baby, I don’t care how really.  I’m at peace with opting for pain-killers.  I’m not yet at peace with labor before that point.  I do know what to do or how to do it.  It’s the double-edged knife of pregnancy after loss – your chart thinks you should know what you’re doing by now, and even you think you should know what to expect, but you don’t and your other experiences have slowly eroded any confidence you’ve ever had in your body.  The phrase “your body knows what to do” is laughable and the phrase “you were made to do this” makes you want to throw things at people’s heads.  My body is not that body.  My body cannot even miscarry right on its own.

Then there’s my own aversions to get over – knowing that my body and mind’s response to pain is a strong desire to be left alone; the one thing I hated with Henry’s birth was the number of eyes on me – my husband, the nurse, our visitors.  I felt like a roadside attraction that was failing to live up to its billboard.  I don’t want to be coached or assisted or even touched.  I have no lovely dreams of a shared experience with my husband or a doula.  I want to be left alone.  Kind of hard to take birth classes and learn exercises when this is your go to.  I have, sadly, yet to find a birth method that caters to incredibly stubborn women who don’t like to be touched or looked at when they’re dealing with pain.

My bag of tricks feels pretty limited and I’m not very confident about it all because of it.  And I feel like I should.  I like I should know what I’m doing; like I should just forget it all and trust everyone’s advice that this birth needs to be the blissful bonding time free of all the things (i.e. painkillers and interventions) the options of which are the only things that make me feel confident I can even give this a shot.

As I was telling a friend not to long ago.  I like having options in this situation – tubs, beds, lights, painkillers, medical professionals, interventions and a door I secure shut on just about everyone all included.  I’m a bit of an oddity because this I realize.  All my super natural birth experience mama’s are probably shedding tears for me right now and I’ve probably made at least one doula I know faint.

The thing is you can’t tell me not worry or not to rely on my past experiences – it’s all I know.  All I know about what’s coming is the experience of a severely depressed woman having a very atypical first birth experience (induction, rolling contractions and back labor that can only properly be described with vice-grips and cinderblocks… and that was the first 3 hours only) followed by three years of my body not doing what it was supposed to.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in July though I’m thankful I’m in a better place mentally than I was the first time around to prepare for it all.  I’m both okay with this, and my plan for all my options to be in place and at the same time struggling with it all in small ways.  I feel quite at ease with “the plan” until I realize just how strange I am about it all and that makes me worry I’m doing it all wrong all over again.

Sorry, I warned you this was a braindump…..

Yarn Along with Flowers

I guess you could say I’ve been using my second tri energy to my best advantage.  I’m about 99% done with Henry’s Blanket (weaving in ends and a little block to do, but it’s usable) and I just started on Baby Girl’s Blanket.  They’re both the Bounce Blanket Pattern from Tin Can Knits.

Then I found a box of Daffodil and Tulip bulbs that I never got into the ground last year, they looked like they might still have some fight in them so off to Goodwill I went and stocked up on some vases.  Two days late and it looks like new roots are sprouting!   So hopeful a few pretty flowers will be inside the house in a few weeks while I wait impatiently for my outdoor ones to really take off.

Then there are the other random projects I’ve been doing at the same time.  The same trip to Goodwill brought home a bunch of picture frames for the various things I’ve had waiting for frames for way too long so now I’m rearranging just about every picture in the house… like you do when you’re already in nesting mode at about 24 weeks.

Then there’s that stack of fabric.  Mama is running out of tops that fit so as part of my birthday present I got a couple hours by myself in the fabric store.  Dangerous, I know.  I came home with some nice, soft fabrics and am slowly working on a couple simple dresses and tops.  Trying to guess which size to cut out is a bit of a challenge, but hopefully, I can wear these things thru May at least, and then post-partum during the hottest part of the year.  I’ve been tackling this is stages.  Prepped the fabric last week, cut out the patterns on Monday.  I’m hoping to carve out an hour or two before the weekend to cut fabric and then we’ll be in a holding pattern for the serger I may have impulse bought on Ebay to arrive.  Then I’ll tackle serging one day and sewing over my next weekend off after that.   But hopefully by April, I’ll have a couple dresses and a couple t-shirts ready to go.

Then it will be time to start cutting out baby things =D

Linking up with Ginny over at Small Things today.

Nesting : Part One

Waiting to be banished downstairs forever…

Blissful sanctuary… probably not… but it’s easy money to guess which pictures were hung by my 6 foot husband at “eye level” 

Everyone had “that chair” …. right?

So orange.  Much retro.

Oh magic pictures that make my house look bigger than it is and magic 2nd tri energy that’s letting me tackle all this cleaning.

We’re trying to get all the toys down to the basement, clean our the bedrooms, rearrtrange the bedrooms to accommodate a new little person and purge like crazy.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in years of home ownership it’s the joy of white space…. not having every corner filled with furniture or surface covered with stuff.  It’s a process and interior decorator I’m not.  I’m just doing my best with the much loved and very second hand everything in my home.

There’s still alot to finish and some furniture to rearrange, a dresser to acquire and stuff to sneak out of the house while the boys are away, but it’s progress…. and it’ll inlt look like this until the mini tornado comes home in a few hours so I’m just going to savor it in silence just a little bit longer.