To be honest, nothing up to this point in my motherhood journey has gone as planned and it seems to be sticking the course and that is a big reasons why I felt the overwhelming urge to shut down the blog at least for awhile.
There is a strong current in mothering right now about being “natural”, having beautiful experiences that go exactly as planned and while those experiences might be challenging in their own right they’re held in such high regard it’s hard to be an outlier.
It’s really hard to be someone who’s body doesn’t work quite right. Who runs into walls time and time again when it comes to all the things that are supposed to “come naturally” and the underlying message of these current beliefs is that when things don’t go naturally, they’re not quite good enough.
Of course most people aren’t intentionally cruel about it, but after awhile you start to feel like that token friend. “Oh,” they can say, “of course I support x, y and z…. because I have this friend.” But to be that friend is hard when you keep getting the feeling like you’re being patronized with every decision because it’s not quite right, it’s not quite the best thing you probably could be doing if you’d just try a little harder. To feel that most people are looking at you more as a way to practice being “charitable” instead of being truly supportive…. it gets hard to muster up that courage to face.
It’s not about guilt. So many people will jump to that conclusion. “Well,” they’ll say, “if you’re feeling bad about this you’re probably feeling guilty about the choice you made.” They’ll suggest, very subtly that you probably knew better and took the easy road. It’s not guilt and it’s not shame; I can proudly state what a relief and how wonderful my c-section deliveries were. I can proudly tell you just how much I love to bottlefeed whether it’s the breastmilk I’m currently working hard to provide or formula. I can proudly tell you how much my job gives to my family. It’s not shame or guilt; it’s just the constant feeling that no matter what you do you can’t do enough and you can’t do it right when you’re just trying to do the best you can. I’ve never had a lot of confidence to whether that feeling of constant judgement, and it just gets harder when every time you here someone say “We know you know what’s best” you sincerely doubt just how much they mean it or just how much of it comes from pity.
I got tired of being tossed around like this, of being the “other” in this world that is so adamant about what is right, what is best. I’m not sure if I’ll be back here, but I also felt like I owed an explanation and wanted for a little bit too reactivate to make some other posts accessible again.
So she is here, finally, finally here; a beautiful, wonderful, thankful here. And I’m here; a struggling, sensitive, outlying here. We’re here.